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Meltdown

June 21, 2007

Just so you know that I’m human, I had a meltdown (or three) today. Not that I’m proud of it, by any means.

First, work is very stressful right now, and that’s okay. (Seems like I always end up in high stress positions, but I guess the income that goes with it is what supports my lifestyle.) We’re trying to get a software ready for release, and the documention of it is my responsibility. There are no processes of any real sort in place (think start-up), and if there are, they don’t follow best practices, so it’s frustrating. However, with work, I’ve learned to leave the office and go for a walk, or find a trusted colleague to take to coffee who will let me vent out of earshot of everyone else.

Then yesterday I got a call from Home Depot that all my materials have arrived. I immediately panicked becuase I’m not ready for it. Today the young woman from the installers called to set up a schedule with me and the timing was wrong. I was stressed and just wanted her to tell me what steps I needed to take and in what order. I’m tired of trying to figure it out. It’s overwhelming.

On top of all that, you know my health is not tip-top right now. I’m tired of all of it and finally couldn’t wait for the rheumatologist appointment two weeks from now, so I got in at my regular family practice. I wasn’t particularly nice to the medical assistant when she tried to tell me my “overflow appointment” was for critical issues and “warn me” that the doctor might not be able to address all my issues. Uh, dizziness and shortness of breath? That’s critical, don’t you think?

Then I unloaded on the doctor. I told him if he dismissed me and told me to exercise more and watch my food intake I would go ballistic. He was so kind. He sat and listened while I cried out my frustration.

Good news. He’s doing tests the others haven’t done. I’m going for an stress echocardiogram and a vascular ultrasound something-else test to check the valves in the blood vessels in my legs. He also did a couple blood tests for something no other doctor has checked out. He also asked about my sleep and did I snore. Uh, ya. I do. I had a sleep test many years ago and was diagnosed with upper airway obstructive syndrome, but not sleep apnea. So that could also be a cause of my fatigue, and maybe even the edema. Who knows.

But I have a bit of hope. At least someone is doing something and not dismissing this all as weight.

And I’m still walking. Every day this week. (I think of you, Bev, now when I walk.) I actually gained two pounds but they say muscle weighs more than fat and all that. One way or another, I’m going to get healthy again.

Oh, and I mentioned to the doctor that I felt I could not live this way anymore and that I didn’t want to live another 35 years like this. I have grandchildren! He totally agreed.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

(Oh, and I’m going to get Home Depot to help me coordinate everything for the floor install. And I guess get past my pride and ask friends for help. That is so hard to do.)

(Last thing, I apologized to the medical assistant before I left. It wasn’t her fault I’m emotional.)

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2 Comments
  1. thesecretpocket permalink
    June 22, 2007 5:34 am

    It’s good that you finally had a meltdown. And that you did it at the doctor’s office is even better. I hope that something positive comes of it….you’ll be in my thoughts.

  2. June 22, 2007 6:07 am

    Well I was right to have you in my thoughts and be worried about you all day yesterday. Glad you are being assertive, taking care of you, and making people listen. I’m even gladder (yes, I passed English!) that the doctor listened, agreed and did something.

    Let me know what you need help with as far as getting the house ready for floors, I can certainly help move furniture! g

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